“We’re always there for them. We never say goodbye” Life as a Foster Parent: Tracey’s 15-Year Fostering Journey with Mosaic Foster Care
Foster parent Tracey and her husband Pete have been with Mosaic Foster Care for 15 years. Here, she tells us all about her fostering journey, how and why she became a foster parent and the tips and advice she has gathered while looking after eight young people down the years.
Why Tracey became a foster parent: “My house felt empty.”
Before becoming a foster parent, Tracey had worked with children for years, as a teaching assistant at a school for children with disabilities and also as a childminder when her own children were young.
She said: “Our house was always full of children. When our kids were growing up, they always had their friends around – they used to call me Ma Larkin from the Darling Buds of May.
“My husband Pete’s mum came to live with us, she had Alzheimer’s and lived with us for seven years before she died. When that happened, I still wanted to be a caregiver, I wanted to do something more with children.
“My house felt empty, even though our older children were grown up and in relationships. And so that’s when we started looking to do fostering because we had the spare room.”
Choosing the right fostering agency: Why Tracey chose Mosaic Foster Care
At that time, Mosaic Foster Care was in partnership with Kites Children’s Services – Mosaic on the fostering side, Kites focusing more on the residential care side.
Tracey said: “We were with Kites initially. What was attractive about Mosaic was nothing felt like a product. Not us, not the young people and not the fostering process. I think some agencies are keen to always remind you that you foster for them.
“But with Mosaic, we were welcomed as a family and it was obvious they were a caring agency, there to help us whenever we needed it. They supply the training and the 24/7 help is there.
“You have youth support workers to help with the young people, to take them out once a week. It was just a really good overall package.”
Why long-term fostering matters for a child’s stability
Tracey and Pete have been foster parents to eight young people over the course of their 15 years with Mosaic Foster Care, usually seeing the children they have looked after move into young adulthood.
Tracey explained: “Normally you’ll have the young person until they’re 18. Then they can go into semi-independent living or stay put with you.
“We had a child for five years and he reached the age where he was lucky and could go back to his family.
“We’ve had sisters with us, we had them for seven years. One of them was old enough to go into semi-independent living and we kept her sister with us for a couple of years after that.
“She’s 20 now and in semi-independent living. She still phones me up all the time.
“It’s lovely that Mosaic is a long-term agency because the young people aren’t pushed from pillar to post. They’re with us long-term and that gives them safety and security, knowing they’re going to be part of your family.
Helping a foster child adjust to family life after trauma
“Of course, it can be difficult when they grow up and leave. They’ve been such a big part of your life. But they don’t just turn 18, move into semi-independent life and that’s it, goodbye.
“We’ve always continued a relationship with the young people who have gone on to semi-independent life. We’ve always told them we’re at the end of the phone if they want to have a chat or if they get anxious about anything.
“They’re our family at the end of the day, we treat them exactly as we do our two older sons. We’re always there for them, so we never say goodbye.”
Preparing to share your life with a stranger with a completely different background and life experience must be difficult. How does Tracey manage that?
“Sometimes they have gone from one foster placement to another foster placement to another foster placement and so we try not to over-prepare when a new young person comes in because every one of them is different in their individual way.
“It’s for you to get to know them and their ways but also to show them you’re there for them and that they have got a loving home. That can come as a shock to them, depending on what’s happened to them in their past.
“So sometimes it will take longer for them to adjust to your family life. You do have to be patient and not think you’re doing something wrong because they’re not immediately hugging you or talking to you.
“If you show them you’re there for them they will eventually understand what normal family life is all about and that they haven’t ever seen it before.”
Recognising progress in foster care: Why small changes matter
Mosaic Foster care encourages all foster parents to keep a diary of their time with a young person.
Tracey said: “Everything moves along so quickly, it isn’t until you look back through the diaries that you remember everything.
“The young person with us now, the first time he came to us he didn’t communicate, he used to make animal noises and sit under tables and wouldn’t do eye-to-eye contact.
“We subsequently found out he was on the autism spectrum, got him some help and now he doesn’t stop talking!
“Mosaic Foster Care are always on call 24/7. You ring them up, explain what’s wrong and they get you the help you need quickly. There’s no embarrassment in calling them because that’s precisely what they’re there for. And that’s what they say to us – don’t do this on your own.
“Another young person with us had a full-on mental breakdown. You can’t deal with that yourself, you need help from a variety of people. No-one expects you to do it all on your own or have all the answers.
“The SMILE [therapeutic] training is incredible. We do it every year and it’s refreshed all the time so you don’t feel like you’re covering old ground. It’s there to help and advise you – if you get into a specific situation, it tells you what can be done.”
What support do foster parents receive? Inside Mosaic’s wraparound care
The support provided to Mosaic’s foster parents comes in the form of a social worker provided by the local authority from which the young person originates and a supervising social worker from Mosaic.
A therapist also has regular appointments with the child – and the foster parents also have regular meetings with a therapist.
Tracey said: “That’s incredibly useful because it’s nice to talk to someone about your problems or what’s on your mind. The thoughts you have – ‘Am I doing this right?’ ‘Am I a failure?’ – you’re a human being and we all need help.
“I class Mosaic as a big family unit. The more experienced foster carers are there for the newer ones, they can chat to us about anything. The more experienced ones go to each other if we need a rant or to let off steam.
“For the young people, Mosaic arranges activities and get-togethers in the school holidays.
“Training for the foster parents is all done online since Covid. We have a regular foster carers meeting run by (Mosaic Therapeutic Lead) Aly Thompson just to have a chat about everything and not feel embarrassed what you’re saying.
“We’re all in this together and we’re all here to help each other. It’s one big support unit.”
Fostering finances, breaks and support: What foster parents can expect
Every prospective foster parent has questions about money and holidays. How does all that work at Mosaic Foster Care?
Tracey explains: “You are looked after. The money you are paid to do this is essentially tax-free for most people. You look at the long tax form and think ‘Oh my God’ but it’s all sorted for you, the accountant we use knows what bracket we’re in.
“You are paid weekly and you also get 21 days’ holiday pay as well. So if you need a break, some foster carers enjoy having a week’s break away to refresh. The young person goes into respite care for a week and that’s like a holiday for them.
“When we go away, they always come with us but we have had a couple of weekends away on our own. I’m not saying don’t use the holiday time, it is there for you to use and it’s for you to refresh and recharge your batteries. It also gives the young person a nice break from the day-to-day.”
The key to being a successful foster parent is, according to Tracey, very simple – just give them care, empathy, and safety.
“A lot of young people looking for a foster home are badly traumatised. Bless them, they don’t know what family life is, they don’t understand it.
“If you’ve got the heart for it, all you need to do is just show them warmth and caring and let them be part of your family.
“It’s so incredibly rewarding. You look back at your diary and marvel at how much they’ve blossomed under your care. There’s no substitute for that feeling.
“You only need to listen and understand. You can’t ever judge a young person because you just don’t know what they’ve been through. Sometimes you get their notes to read and however bad it is, it isn’t the full story because that young person doesn’t know the full story of what has happened to them.
“They can think being smacked and shouted at is normal. Making them understand that’s not the case and they’re now living in a caring, secure home and you’re there to listen to them takes time. Sometimes they don’t want to listen to you – other times all they want is to sit and talk to you and know you’re there for them.
“Some children would sneak down in the night and steal food out of the fridge. I’d find the wrappers in their bedroom when they’d gone to school. Having food every day wasn’t normal for them.
“I had to sit down and say to them, ‘You don’t have to come down and steal – the food is there for you. Just ask us and you can have it’.”
How your own upbringing shapes you as a foster parent
What about that one day when the young person opens up to you about something traumatic that’s happened to them? You’ve got to know them by then, it must be difficult to deal with that?
Tracey explained: “The training’s fantastic but you only know if it’s worked when you are put into that situation. It’s like having CPR training – it’s only any good when you need to use it on a person who could be dying.
“But it’s not as if you join Mosaic and they say, ‘Right, there’s your child, get on with it’.
“They talk to you about your past and your upbringing. I was lucky, I had a fantastic childhood. My mum and dad were brilliant.
“But Pete’s mum and dad were older and he didn’t get as much love and affection. So it wasn’t until we married that he fully realised what a loving family is all about. It’s all important background for the agency to understand.
“But when the children do open up about their past and what’s happened to them, that might be the first time they’ve ever opened up. Just listening to them can break your heart but you can’t show a reaction because sometimes they wait for your reactions.
“Of course it can make you feel so sad hearing that stuff but you have to show the young person that you’re strong and that they can tell you anything. If you sat there and burst into tears with them, they’re not going to want to tell you anything else because they’re upset they’ve made you sad.
“It’s really difficult and you might feel like crying but you just have to show that young person you’re there for them and you don’t judge them for what’s happened. Once the moment’s passed, you can ring Aly and offload, tell her what they’ve opened up about.
“It can be heartbreaking because some of these young people – you wonder how they’ve actually survived what’s happened to them.”
Foster parent training: Being prepared for the reality of fostering
After 15 years as a foster parent, is there anything new to learn?
Tracey said: “I think you learn every day, there’s always fresh training with Mosaic. You think, ‘God, I never thought about that,’ even now.
“Some people think they want to foster because they’ve got two children of their own and it will be a piece of cake.
“That’s what Mosaic is so good at – training you for the actual reality. The training shows you what foster carers do and what life is like with a young person because you won’t get like a little princess coming to your house. More like an angel with horns!
“Even if you’ve done the training and you end up thinking that fostering is not for you, at least you’ve looked into it. Don’t feel you failed before you’ve started, because this is what all the training’s for.
“This is 24/7 work, not a normal nine to five job. Our friends understand that. If they ask us out for a meal, they give us plenty of notice because it’s not as simple as just finding a babysitter.
“Some of our friends say they admire us for doing it because you do put up with meltdowns and things being thrown and broken. I think you do have to be a certain person to foster. But those friends understand this is what we love doing.
“You’ve got to be healthy to look after a young person because some days you might not have sleep for two nights on the run where the anxiety’s kicked in and they’ve had bad dreams. You get to the end of your tether and you ring Mosaic and you feel silly or embarrassed for feeling like you can’t cope – they immediately make you feel better.”
For anyone thinking of fostering, Tracey has some simple advice.
“Phone Mosaic up and ask them all about it. If it works for you, fantastic. If it doesn’t, don’t ever feel a failure, because fostering isn’t for everyone.
“And be prepared for the unexpected. I’ve named my house Chaos, even the Amazon man calls our house Chaos!”